Its not always dark. In fact, right now it is like a cycle. Up then down. In then out. Its frustrating as hell. Well, as frustrating as I imagine hell might be.
This week has been particularly interesting, though. I was down Monday but by Tuesday, I was swinging up. I stopped in for an Americano on my way home. There were many Starbucks I could have gone to but I chose the one at Richmond and Central (London, Ontario). I had been there before. Its not far from the Mandela Book store and seems like its the middle of London’s zone of energy. That seems to have a bit of ring to it, London’s energy zone…
As I step in through the door, “hey, I know where those pictures are from”. That’s Vancouver! What an interesting perspective. I wonder who took them?
Scott Webb did (www.nuwomb.com). Turns out he too suffers from depression and a mood disorder. He has had his treated and is now sharing his amazing talents. Not the least of which is discussion or normalization of these common mental health afflictions. It is woven through his work. Not to attract pity but to understand how it has shaped his perspective. More importantly for me, it seemed he was reaching out and saying, “Hey, you are not alone…”
I am not alone. Although I know this cognitively it is most helpful when others can openly share their story; how it affected them and what they’re doing now to help others further back in the healing continuum. And I suspect there are many others like me who encounter those “brief” set of meetings “sessions” that didn’t even begin to really hear why am I feeling like this… Can’t not return to work because I must make ends meet and keep the balls in the air while putting food on the table. Or perhaps like those earlier times when I simply needed to “keep a stiff upper lip” and not ”wear my emotions on my sleeve”. While emotional band-aids keep the cogs turning, its the stigma that keeps them in place. Tears well in my eyes. I feel the energy I have tapped and how passionately I want my fingers to fly over this key board to reach out and connect, somehow.
I do take photographs. I do paint. I write. I also read and it was my most recent read that has helped me in this profound way. I am most grateful to Scott as he shared his ebook, “The Un-Technical guide for connecting with photography”. I actually think there is some divine guidance in there. Not to be over the top or unnecessarily gushing; just an easy read with some very practical, easy steps to consider. But don’t take my word for it. Download a copy for yourself at www.nuwomb.com/newsletter
My initial draft of those last two paragraphs was a breath of fresh air for me. I felt like I actually took a breath for the first time in, well, months; two, to be exact. In therapy when something resonates, I can take a deep breath in. It seems so simple but I often find myself holding my breath or breathing from my chest. Thankfully I learned to play the trombone in grade school and with that learned how to breathe from my diaphragm, when I am reminded to. Its truly the elixir of life. Breathing that is. I have lived to breathe another breath and in this writing, realize nothing is insurmountable.
Author, Julia Cameron, recommends writing three pages a day. Creating this habit of writing over the last five years has been good to me. It has helped me dig deeper, sometimes in ways I least expect. This post began with the title “Seeing some light” but I just changed it. I realize in this moment, this morning is different. And because I like to capture and document those moments when some small, seemingly infinitesimal change or nuance occurs that may change the course of history…
Uh oh, before I can even approach that kind of thinking my therapy must run its course. Naturally I am staving off others’ concerns that my thoughts are of grandiosity. That I might change the course of history, indeed! Nonetheless, in my profession as an accountant and auditor I am very methodical. I like to leave a trail, albeit not always the most obvious one. I am learning that this is where the two sides of my brain have the most fun with each other. Its not about the trail per se but the need to look for it. What signs did I leave and while you’re looking for them, what else do you observe?
In their beginning, accountants are trained to copy procedures from last year and if there is some change or different fact pattern then you need to ask for help or guidance; eventually. If you’re like me you will do the necessary research, assess the fact pattern, do some analysis, draw a conclusion based on the analysis, make a recommendation and perform some sensitivity analysis on the key success factors or critical path. Then ask.
Well, that synopsis provides the explanation why my work-in-progress as a student was always more than any else and why it took four cracks at the Uniform Final Exam until I finally passed. I figured if I was going to be comfortable in my skin as a chartered accountant I had to understand my subject thoroughly. That is, any subject area, each business and every industry I have ever worked on has been vetted and understood, thoroughly. Truth be told, I am much better at asking questions earlier and I have become quite proficient with my approach. But get this. My dream job is to be Auditor General of Canada! Do I have any idea how daunting my approach to this ideal could be?!
That would be a no and yes. No, I haven’t studied the actual prerequisites for the position. But yes, I actually have considered a pathway. And yes, it is daunting but that has not stopped me. Rather it has driven me to find creative, very creative ways to share my vision. And yes, it has taken me through doors of depression and mood roller coasters that may well require medication. But like Scott suggests in his Un-technical guide, tackling this problem as a solution I realize I want to share my journey. And you know? Even if I don’t make it, reaching the destination is not the point.